Attack of the Glasgow Tan

I'm going to talk about the attack of the Glasgow Tan. The insanity of the Glasgow Tan. The hideousness of the Glasgow Tan.

What is the 'Glasgow Tan' you say?

The answer isn't pretty. Even while I did say this blog would be about embracing loveliness I am bringing up this ugly only in an attempt to try to reveal the beauty underneath it.

When you first glance at a person with a Glasgow Tan you find yourself surprised they have ventured into the public domain with such a bright orange face, such a clear tanning disaster, such a brazen statement of beauty stupidity.

But then - jeez - you see another woman with the same orange face. And another. And it is not a virus, it is not a mass-spray tan massacre, it indeed appears that quite a lot of women in Glasgow think a beautiful face is an orange one.

OMG.

What planet is this?

Unlovely as I find the artificial Jaffa orange skin tone, what I find far more unlovely is the inferred suggestion that the natural peely-wally, white-pale, sun-drained naturally white and pink toned face of a Scottish gal has been judged so ugly as to need to be covered up and spray-painted a different color. And not just any color but ORANGE!

Is it the influence of lovely sun-tanned women in Australian soaps like "Home and Away" and prettily-bronzed super models at Cannes or a pal back from her Mediterranean holiday with a freckled, healthy sunkissed skin tone that has fed a desire to just look a bit less pale? Who told these women they were so ugly with pale white skin that they needed to get it spray-painted to be attractive?

I wonder, how do the Glasgow Tan women feel about Michael Jackson lightening his face?

The Glasgow Tan  has madly escalated like a drug overdose into manic melanoma melodrama.

I was talking to a friend about why the Glasgow Tan continues to spread like a virus. The only rationale we could think of is that it has become the equivalent of "I'm up for a shag" when you're down the pub. As obvious a signal as a baboon's bright pink bottom. So I guess that must be the 'pay-off' for the Glasgow Tan brigade: it saves you wearing a sign or even needing to talk if you're on the pull.

Oh god, there is something else. The Glasgow Tan gals have also passionately embraced the fluorescent clothing trend. Of course they have! The more artifice the better! Bring it on! Fluoro orange face and fluoro orange dress - nice!